BeechAboo

 We have all flown and we have all been lied to. If the security crap is not enough to piss you off to the point of screaming there is the big old bag of lies that we have to hear when we pass the "COCK-PIT" and wrestle ourselves into the seats made for Elves. Let me say this for the record, my family has lived in this country for 300 years and I want a special pass that says I can keep my shoes on. Nothing is more enjoyable than to walk across the "FOOT ZONE" of a million other people with sweaty gross feet. Who the hell cleans that area between the FOOT TAKE OFF ZONE and the PICK UP MY CRAP ZONE? There is so much that pisses me off at the airport that I can't even get to the plane ranting portion.

Why is it that I have to sit by the Crying Baby and H1N1 sneezing idiot on every flight? Why is it that every flight is delayed or I have to hear a stupid excuse why they are on the Tarmac for 10, 20, 50 minutes. I got an idea, don't load my ass on the plane until you are ready to fly me somewhere. Pure and simple idea that has been lost. I so want to invite air traffic controllers over to my house for supper at 6 pm sharp and serve them crackers and dirty ice Coke for an hour followed by making them sit on a hardwood stool in my closet.

From the minute I enter the airport I begin to be pissed off that my freedom and liberty is about to be stripped. I can't but always think about the scene from Airplane when they let all these bad people on the plane and beat up an old lady. I swear to you the next time I see security checking out a 90 year old woman for 15 minutes looking for the reason the metal detector is going of that I will scream. Another classic scene that I have seen is US Military people in full uniform being searched at our local airport. What I feel like saying next time I see that is "HEY CAN I SIT BY HIM" because he/she makes me feel much more secure than Biff or Barney who took a 6 week training course on how to ask 20 questions that will always be answered the same way.

I got an answer for your Question on WHO PACKED MY BAGS:  MY Freaking CAT packed my luggage. Why do I have to answer stupid ass questions. You can detect a LIAR and you can't read minds. Have you left your bags un-intended is another classic line. I always say yes, just in case they find 3.1 ounces of sealed mouth wash. I can then BLAME someone since I should not have ever left my luggage while I went to the crapper.  First of all, I am in the SECURITY area and I should be able to leave my luggage since I CAN BUY 50 LITERS OF FLAMMABLE BOOZE in the DUTY FREE Shop and bring it on the plane. I have to stop because I need to write a book on this subject.

Have you ever met someone that was given power for no reason? Yes, this is the classic event that I encountered my "BARNEY" this week at O'Reiley Race Way Park during the NHRA Drag Racing. Being reasonable is not in the mind of the Barney Fife type, they live their life to enforce any and all chances to show power. Check this classic situation out....I am leaving the event and as I leave I ask what do I need to get back in.....The lady nicely says a stamp, which you already have and as I continue to walk past the gate she says also your ticket....Huh...I paused after a couple steps and starting looking through my pockets as the Security Barney is watching me.....Of course, I left the ticket inside so I turn and walk 3 steps to go get my ticket to be honest....Well,,,,there is BARNEY...the SAME MENTAL MIDGET that seen and heard me as I walked by him....He says....."YOU CAN"T GET BACK IN BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE A TICKET"......I starred at him in disbelief and said,,,,"YOU SEEN AND HEARD ME 5 SECONDS AGO".....he says...YES, but the rules are the rules and you should have not walked out.......I started to sweat thinking what the heck am I going to do since my brother is in the event and he will be there for 2 hours not knowing what the heck happened to me......In reality, I could have just asked someone for their ticket since a decent amount of people were leaving but this action set me off......I stood there WEARING MY BeechAboo shirt (which is easy to spot) and started asking him if this sounded reasonable to not let me in and if he thought his actions were fair and equitable....He just said..."the rules are the rules" the poor lady that stamped my hand had her head down in embarassment over this power hungry Barney....

After 5 minutes of starring at him in disbelief he told me to go to my car and get what I wanted and that he will "think" about letting me in if I come back.....Ten minutes later I walk right up to the original lady and she let me in with no questions as Barney stood by the Police Officer hoping that some day they will let him carry a gun.....what a bad representative to a great event and place. Just remember, there are Barney's everywhere....hope you don't meet one..

Have you seen the new Pizza Hut commercial. They act like they invented cheese in the crust? Hey, maybe they did but who cares? Do we really need more cheese on a pizza and do we have to hide it? I have an idea, why not make toppings go to the edge of the crust. Oops, that has been done before as an add campaign. It is a stupid pizza, there are only so many things you can do to fancy it up. It is either totally awesome or not. You don't need gimmicks.

 I can't wait until Burger King starts hiding pickles in their buns or better yet, real meat. All we need next is the mental midgets that wrote the Geico commercials crossing over and start producing Hairy guys eating food campaigns. One more hairy caveman commercial and I will snap like a pretzel under a dump truck.

There is an old saying, opinions are like "blank" and everyone has one. What cracks me up is that we all have thoughts and opinions. A little clue to help some is to actually read and research ideas and thoughts before blirting them out. Think of it this way, have you ever seen anybody say they hate that movie and they have never seen it? I kind of like to watch a movie or read a book before I make a judgement.

Trust me, it is great to have an opinion but it really helps if you have done your research before you blirt out "Darth Vadar was related to Chewbacca" or "Stop Signs are Octagon because the human Iris is shaped that way". Please, I implore you, please don't blend stupid ideas with politics, religion, and sex into one twisted dialog. Not everyone thinks the same and please remember the old saying "think before you speak and don't assume everyone was as lucky or blessed as you are" BeechAboo is about fun and not hate. Spread the fun and enjoy friends and laughter instead of sweating the small stuff.

Unlike the disaster of human behaviors we seen at the Indy Race a few months ago, we did happen to notice some trends at teh Nascar Race. The number 1 thing we noticed in our section was a 350 lbs. guy that was sporting a Beer Bong Necklace. He was waving at people to come down and pour beer down their throats at an epic rate. Good Call, as if drunk was not drunk we now have to jam more liquid down our system in hope of alchol poisoning.  The guards tassled with him that he must not smash his bare belly on peoples faces as he walks by. Swass (sweaty ass) and spelly (sweaty belly) is never good.

The second trend I seen was super bad Tats. Most Tats looked liked like they were done by Uncle Fester and a butter knife.  Look, if you are going to get a Tat have a professional do it. People complain about a bad hair cut but a bad Tat that looks like some psychological ink blob is not cool. I like the ones where the einstein tried to spell a word. Little note to self, if your uncle got run over by the rock wagon when he was young, do not let him Tat you up with his form of art. It is like a bum knee, it will be with you forever.

I have a new rule, let's limit the amount of new words used in regular conversations. Please do not use the word Synergy in any conversation. Just say those two things work well together. It is more meaningful. The peanut butter and chocolate for a synergestic candy. Argh....who says that crap. I just banned one word and then created an even more craptacular version of the original word I hate.

There is no way cool to throw in the word Synergy so don't do it. Also, NEVER ever say the word Maven. Many years ago I read a Resume and the girl said she worked with Financial Mavens. I threw up in my mouth and of course had to meet her. Imagine the delight in meeting this self righteous genius. It was a dream come true to here her pontificate on and on about Nuclear Physics and how she figured out that she was an egg head with no personality. Please let me hire you today since you are as fun as a root canal.

In reality the funniest thing anyone wrote me on Ebay was that my description of Fulper Pottery was "FROTH WITH BLATHER"....that was funny and yet made me a little angry. I would have allowed it but two out of three words can not be annoying in one sentence.

I know I have ranted about bad fruit before but today was a winner...Hotels love to promote the "free breakfast". Hey, we cost more but you get a free breakfast. Who cares? I hate the stupid breakfast crap they serve at 99% of all hotels. I do like the Hilton Garden Inn breakfast since it is actually prepared fresh compared to the horrific stale crap that is served until someone eats it.

So, I thought today, I sure could go for a Banana so one was picked from the hanging tree at a super nice hotel. I get it into the car and realize that this banana was used a rolling pin until the inside was liguid goo. First off, the Banana sucks as a fruit but it does come with a good protective coating so I thought it would be safe after being handled by 400 people.

Heck no, the coating only holds in the overripe and smashed banana guts. No spank you, I could not eat that on a bet and was hoping Joe Rogan would show up and do an episode of Fear Factor in the Blazer as I was driving. Why do people serve crappy food and who eats this stuff? It takes a beautiful night at a hotel into a bad feeling that may turn into a case of the road runs from spoiled crap. Nobody needs road runs on the way to a customer.