BeechAboo

For those that have not driven in the great state of Indiana you are missing some of the biggest Stop Light Idiots in America. In Indiana the yellow light means tramp it to the floor and the red light means leave it tramped to the floor and hope that somehow nobody catches you. As the vehicles go flying by you think to yourself, how long do I have to stare at a GREEN light before the mental midgets stop buzzing by me. Then by the time all the Red Light Run Brigade makes it by you there is 2 seconds in which you need to make it through your light before it turns red. Then the cycle starts again. This weekend I am going to attach a rocket launcher to my front grill and start shooting paint balls into every car that runs a red light in front of me. Oh heck, I can't do that, they will look at it as a badge of honor and try to go CAMO with all the paint they get nailed with.....

Have you ever seen a 1974 AMC Ambassador Car?

Yes, and I barfed in the parking lot at the local root beer stand when I seen the lime green paint and craptacular design. Are you serious? Nobody has seen one of them in 20+ years. You can't find anyone that wants one or will admit to owning one. Trust me, this car along with the Ford Pinto and many other AMC cars should have never been allowed. Hey, I got a new rule, when a car design looks so horrible that you loose your lunch it should not be mass produced. Look, if Sideshow Bob wants to design a car that looks like a monkey's butt he should do it in his hideaway garage in the middle of a desert. My eyes were never the same after that day. 

Well this week has been very unique and super busy. Almost so busy that I don't have the energy to rant.....Then, my friend Pam started complaining about how I have not done a new RANT lately and she is sick of checking my site out every day with no avail. Then it hit me, I can rant about her complaining about me not ranting. Genius I thought, pure genius....What does she think? Does she think I get mad every day and make fun of someone/something every day? I am not a robot, I can't just get mad for no reason. I just can't rant over nothing...then I realized......I do rant about nothing and yes the little things that mean absolutly nothing to 99.99% of the people mean everything to me..twisted you may say...I say inspired....

Let me give an example,,,,I was at a nice restaurant the other day and ordered Carrot Cake. This cake stands about 7" tall and is absolutly awesome. Anyone would be happy to eat this beauty but guess what? I must have it served standing up. I hate it when it falls on its side. It looks stupid on the side and the ratio of frosting to cake can not be properly combined. Everyone that knows me realizes that I hate to eat "side cake" and I hate Kit Kats but love Big Kats. It is simple, I am all about the correct ratio of frosting and cake and you can't side cut a 7" piece if it is in the side position. I know the servers look at me like I am crazy....maybe they get that from me gorging on Red Bull...but seriously, I hate "side cake".  It is a restaurant so is it too much to expect standing cake??? I say no....What is even more funny is that one time they served me the Carrot Cake with tooth-picks proping it up...What the heck were they thinking...I would not catch this fantastic "trick". Holy crap, simply cut it wider and it will not fall over...Did I mention that Pam one time came to visit me and on her 2 hour trip got tired and slept an hour in a Gas Station? Who sleeps at a BP station? Same people that serve "side cake" and think its normal. There you go rant-maniacs. A rant about myself and the stupid crap about nothing that makes me tick...

First off I love racing and the Indy 500 is one of the greatest events ever. If you have not come to the event please put it in your bucket list. Having said that, there are a few funny things that you may see when you show up. There will be people wearing inappropriate clothing and some seriously drunk people. Some of the highlights (or lowlights) were the following: There was a guy wearing DAISY DUKE shorts. My friend Kelly seen this guy and started laughing out loud....I was in shock to see a guy wearing flip flops and daisy dukes. Then one minute later we got the extreme pleasure of seeing his Einstein friend. Check this out, his buddy was wearing nothing but Jockey Underwear and yellow thongs. I am still laughing about this scene. Of course the guy was about 75 lbs. overweight and drunk beyond belief. Sorry, no pictures of this because there is no cool way to get a picture of this crap. Well, after walking about 3 miles to our car we were stuck in non-moving traffic for about an hour. This is when we had the pleasure of seeing the world record holder of the longest urination in one standing. This guy and his drunk friends (who were driving) stood in the guy's yard he parked and took about 5 minutes to find his thing and another 3 minutes (I wish I would have timed this) letting loose in front of 30 people. He was spelling names and we all were in utter shock at how long this went on. It was like a CAR WRECK, you could not help but watch. The 3 minutes is pretty close to the actual time. I didn't think it was possible to store 5 gallons of beer in a bladder but this guy did it. Congrats to him. Well, it was at our drive back that we were graced with the ultimate "hillbilly double decker" as my wife called it. Check this out, it was a rusted out 1976 Ford F150 that had a custom built (very liberal use of words) frame with Plywood mounted as a platform. This wonderous vehicle had 5 country boys sitting on aluminum chairs with no shirts on. This vehicle was parked by the 30th street and these guys had FRONT ROW seats to traffic. Wow, how exciting. We were in tears laughing when we went back and we apologize that we have no photos of this. We were laughing so hard that we could not turn the camera on in time. All in all, another awesome trip to the track. Can you say....YEEEEEEHAW......

Have you ever been looped into the ONE SIZE FITS ALL sales pitch? Well my friend Diana told me I should rant about Universal electrical crap that never seems to work on your device. We were sitting around playing cards the other day and low and behold Diana says let's plug in my iPod to our stereo system. About a half hour later and 500 audio cords we finally gave up. Why in the hell can't someone decide that we are going to use only 4 different plugs for all the phones, cameras, TVs, videos, and other crap. Have you ever owned a universal remote for your TV? Those work so well if you like to watch 1 station and like to turn the TV on manually. Have you ever seen that rack of cell phone car charges. Come on, be real, do you need that many plug ins for a stupid phone. All it does is CHARGE CRAP, how many variations can there be? I am sick of 5000 wires that all do the same and if one more company comes up with another stupid micro mini bullcrap storage chips I will explode. Stop inventing this stuff. Invent something that will last over a weekend in the market. I have about 100 Beta Tapes, any buyers? They never made a universal player with VHS and Beta did they?

I am writing this rant out fo respect for my friend that gets asked stupid questions daily. Stupid questions like, can you use water to dissolve sugar? We can all appreciate the occassional question but have you met the new generation of clueless lugs that have never read a book. This group of super stars have not even figured out that the internet can be used for learning instead of  looking of pictures of movie starts they will never date.

This group of mental midgets blirt out questions that they could simply look up in about one second on google or wikipedia but hell no, they ask you. Then you look it up and tell them the answer. It is a SCAM my friends. This group of stupid people are not so stupid, they are using you to do their work. From now on....repeat after me...tell people to educate themselves and look up their own dumb questions. That is why the site ASK JEEVES was invented, to answer your stupid questions without embarrassing yourself. Even better, start telling the Einsteins wrong answers that will make them look even more stupid when they act like they know something. Example, tell this "special group" that cats are hatched and that you know because you grew up on a farm. One final thing, and this is a true story, if someone comes from a porta potty and tells you that they just washed their hands with the green soap in the odd shaped sink....run like hell.....you have just met an inspired Master of the Obvious winnner....

If I see one more stupid commercial trying to sell me something to make me bigger, taller, skinner, or smell like a tulip I will explode. The latest line of pure stupid is the new Trojan Commercial where they show an American Eagle and they simply state..."We are here to help you RIDE out these HARD Times"...Are you kidding me. Grab 2 Frat guys from anywhere on earth and they could have come up with that crap. Come on, the economy sucks, we don't need more stupid play on words. I bet right now that each of us could come up with a MILLION tag lines for Trojan that are better and less obvious.

If that pathetic excuse for a commercial is not enough I have to sit and watch 20 commercials with middle age men telling me that I should try to extend my willie. The worst ones are when they show a middle age couple and both of them are talking about how a "PILL" has made him soo "big" that she can finally tell he is in the room. I just shake my head in disbelief. If all this is true then what else is growing large? You wait, 10 years from now there will be 60 year old men with enlarged livers the size of Kansas and we will all say...."there were side effects"? Didn't see that coming.

 For those paying attention....I know....I know.....I could not help it.

Have you ever wanted to do something real well only to lay a huge egg in front of your friends/family? Well, that is what I did today. While I am no professional golfer my game has come along well and the handicap is down to a respectable number. However, over the last few weeks I have been so blessed to get a case of the yips. The Yips are fun to get. It is when you do something well and then all of a sudden you wake up one day and totally suck at the skill you thought you had.

Imagine waking up one day and you get into your car and you can't seem to drive and you keep hitting curbs and other cars. Then you think that maybe some driving lessons will help and then you find out that you should not even own a car. Followed by the instructor reporting you to the police to make sure they never let you on the road again. Sure this is a metaphore but dang it I can't believe that when I need it most I get the shankapotomis curse. What is cool is that after the people leave that seen you stink it up you then hit the best golf of your life!! Maybe some day the game will be smooth and easy like other sports have been in my life. Then again, maybe I will throw my 60 Degree Cleveland Wedge into the woods so I stop thinking that it will bail me out of a sand trap. Note to self....stop blaming the arrows...it is the Indian. 

While I enjoy Facebook as much as the next person there is a point at which I have to say enough is enough. I have a group of friends that take every quizz that they see or hear about. I now have friends that have found out what kind of dog they should own, what person on the Brady Bunch, Gilligans Island, and every stupid show ever they would be, along with this mind numbing quizzes to tell us what is their favorite cereal, music, and movie star. Look, if you are spending 2 hours a day taking quizzes that help you re-live your youth then you should start to wonder if the rubber band that is holding your life together is about to snap. Sure, I like to let others know what music, sport, and golf equipment that I like but I did not need a Facebook Quiz to bring that out. I did something more unique, used my brain and typed it up. I didn't need to get probed with multiple choice options to tell others what stuff I like.

Typical Facebook Quizzes end up giving you totally worthless insight into who you are. My poor friend found out that the perfect dog he should have is a Pug. Besides being demasculated by this odd choice it was shown on his page for everyone to see. The Pug is a cool dog but people that love hunting and fishing do not chose that over the standard Beagle or retriver. Just say no to 10 Facebook Quizzes. That addiction is nasty and you really do not need to know what superhero you are most like.  

So I am at a local golf course ready to have a nice round of golf. I am excited to see full screen visual GPS of each hole. Oh boy,,,,life is good...then out of the blue after each hole is a stupid butt advertisment for local yocals. Hey, if you get a ball smaked off your cranium call Biff Loserton the local lawyer. What the hell is that? I came to play golf not be pandered to. The cost of this course is already high price now they are selling advertising on the stupid GPS system. Give me a serious break. Well, I should have stuck a BeechAboo shirt over the screen to at least give the patrons something cool to look at.  This crap of course threw off my game. You can't be thinking about a rant in the middle of a golf game. Can you imagine buying a Garmin and every turn you take it belts out the following.....If you get thirsty or need gas please plan on drinking a Pepsi at your local Speedway. Argh....the humanity of it all.

What has happened to good pens? The crap that they are making now are lametacular. Have you had a waitress give you a pen to sign your bill and the stupid thing does not even write on the surface. So you screw around trying to get it to work and before you know it you have written on 40 Napkins, your hand, and 4 sugar packets until it finally works. I do not remember pens sucking so bad as a child. Remember the first erasable ink pen? Everyone was jacked up about that bad boy and now.....who gives two hoots. Please, it is like the Mental Midgets that spend a million dollars to make a pen write upside down (read NASA) to only find out that the Russians figured out a better solution.....It is called a PENCIL.  Anywho, is Bic using cheaper metal balls in their pens? I mean how much more pricing down can anyone take before the item does not even function. Can't anyone make a low cost pen that actually works over 13 seconds? It is not like this is rocket science......then again....maybe that is the problem.........

First off, the Masters in Augusta is as close to Perfect as you can get. The place is unreal and the people there are on their best behavior. Of course, even at the greatest place and day of the year there will on occasion be someone that is totally clueless. This year, there was this lady having a crying fit and saying that someone stole her Masters Chair. Are you kidding me? Nobody steals anything inside the masters. We left our door open on our rental car by accident in the parking lot with clubs, GPS, IPODS, and phones in there for 9 hours and nothing was taken. This lady had the most annoying voice in the history of time and spent 30 minutes walking around the 18th hole telling everyone that her husband left her there with a chair and someone stole it and she is soooo upset and blah blah blah. Her HUSBAND left her there because she is the most annoying person on earth. All anyone could think about is how unlucky her husband is. This voice was equal to running your nails across a chalkboard. It was UNREAL to hear anyone complain at one of the most beautiful places on earth. Finally, after 30 minutes of hearing the BROKEN RECORD we told some gallery personal to please have her shut up. It was funny, they could not take it anymore either and so they basically said, shut up and sit down or else we will take your ticket for LIFE. The chairs cost $31 bucks and if she did not shut up I was gonna have to go buy her one. Thanks to the awesome staff at Augusta National for having her put a cork in it.

This week I thought a nice vacation would be in order. BeechAboo.Com will be at Augusta Georgia for the Masters and while I thought this week would be golf until I pass out the local weather has turned to crap. Nothing is worst than cold rainy weather. Welcome to Indiana in early April. Argh....

Sure I watch this show. I think I am getting sick of it. Why you ask? Well, it is simple, the people on the show are starting to suck wind and sound horrible. I wish they could chose some cool songs. It is simple to win this show if you have a good voice. It is so simple. Hire someone that has seen the show and list the type of songs that make winners. Do not get up there and sing stupid crap songs that blew chunks when they were released by the original artist and if you have half a brain don't sing Whitney Houston and for goodness sakes have a personality. For all of us that have watched this show from the start we all could be hired as consultants. Sing Heart, Pat Benatar, Queen, 3 Doors Down, Pearl Jam or a million other artist that have cool songs and maybe pull out Rush "Closer to the Heart" and blow people away if you have that voice. Overall, the show is getting on my nerves and the stupid clown outfits they are dressing the contestants up with is getting out of hand. Oh yah, don't sing a stupid Billy Joel song. Glass Houses was meant to be played one year only and you see what happens to people that play Billy Joel if you seen Step Brothers!! Scott is a great guy but I can't take those songs...argh.....the judges are pandering.

Look, if you grew up on a farm or lived near farm fresh food then you will understand this rant. What on earth are the grocery stores selling as fruit??? I went to a local supermarket and bought my favorite fruit-Red Raspberries and they tasted craptacular. They are like the GIGANTOR Strawberries that taste like wood bark. It is like a flash back to some Woody Allen movie where there are genetic altered large fruit....Sounds all great until you taste these stupid mutations of life. Much like Kramer on Seinfeld... I like my Fruit sweet and fresh not sour and old. Sour and Old is the bottle of Slo Gin Fizz that is still in your grandmothers closet. Ok, I admit it, my friend Pam got me a fresh bottle of Slo Gin for my birthday. I love that drink and sure I get mocked like a kid riding a moped but I don't care. BeechAboo people are not easy to peer pressure so I can freely drink whatever I want. By the way, if you go to a supermarket and get a crappy piece of fruit throw it in your neighbors yard and hope they do not notice. You never know, they may end up with a fruit tree that you can dig up and plant in your yard.

When I was young I used to worry about "bad" people coming to my house and robbing our family. I envisioned a masked group of thugs breaking in and taking all our valuables. We were robbed many times on the farm and each time we were in shock and felt totally violated. Flash forward to modern day.....Oh my gosh Mommy.. there is a a guy with a tie and suit on our porch talking about how 401K is the future and how we should "trust him" Folks, these white collar criminals are among us and they are destroying our future.  When Jon Stewart went off on those mental midgets that protect fellow criminals brought a smile to my face. BeechAboo is about fun and the group of thieves in corporate America are true FUN SUCKERS....AIG, ENRON, and many more companies are harboring the biggest threat to all of our future. People that steal millions and millions from hard working people are absolutly no different than the thief that breaks into you car or house. You have been violated and they need to spend hard time behind bars eating rice and beans. No BeechAboo shirts for those losers! Now that the goverment ownes them does that mean they will run better....yawn.....I want blueberry pancakes....sorry, BeechAboo people hate downers. Don't you love warm cakes with fresh maple syrup? See, are you starting to feel better about life.....forget about the financial crisis and laugh a little.

The start of BeechAboo was a fun part of the owners and we never knew what would happen and how fast. So far we have MET our first month goal and feel that we are on our way. What we found out is that our sales reps are pounding the pavement and getting the revolution on its way. A big thank you to Emily and Mike for crushing this week. For our top sales staff we will plan some fun events as our way of saying thanks. The concept has proven itself and now the sky is the limit. Buy a shirt on line or buy one from the owners and sales reps.

While the show can be super funny especially at the start this year has produced the biggest Drama Queen and King in recent history. I am sure you have almost thrown up watching these two cry babies blubber and whine ad nauseum. However, the Norman Gentle guy is gut busting and can sing. He is like watching early Jerry Lewis.

It is hard to admit watching this show but there are some nights when a person will crank up an old rock song and do it justice. Then again, when they do the "special nights" with crap songs it is a good time to do something productive like make pipe cleaner animals.