BeechAboo

It is now February of 2010 and I have not been able to write a blistering social commentary. What the hell is wrong with me? Have I got soft, are my days of ranting over? Have I just not found the little things in life annoying? Well folks, the real answer is that I have been watching too much Netflix's. That darn Dexter and Californication Shows have extracted my inner voice. It all started out simple enough. Install a Roku box and then hook up Pandora and Netflix and away I go to no more runs to the Redbox.

What has happened is that I lost my inner voice and it was replaced by really good TV. As you all know, I have grown up with movies and TV and my childhood was a weird blend of farm living and odd TV programing. Remember the stupid Rotors and Antennas that people had to use in the old days? Not to mention the super lame 13" black and white TV's and the most stupid game in history.."BLIP". If you are under 40 then look up "BLIP" the game and you will find why most people between 40 and 50 cry in their sleep. We were entertained by the Lamest Gadgets of all time. Stupid Coleco Football and the vibrating Football Game.

Just thinking about the junk they sold in the 70's and 80's in America makes my stomach sick. This stuff was suppose to do what? Make you feel like that you are on planet lame? Come on, why was IPOD Touch not around when i was a kid? I could have been a super genius or won the stupid fastest texting award like the 16 year old girl in the news today. Seriously, there are awards for everything. Stop the insanity. No more awards unless you win a sporting event or do something really important. Showing up and sucking at a sport should not garner you a participation ribbon. It should garner you embarassment for boring the crap out of your parents. Look, if you do not try and just stare at the basketball as it bounces off your face you do not need any award. What you need is improved vision, a clue, or some other combination that let's us know you are part of a race that has self respect. I have an idea....you show up to work for 5 days straight and we get a ribbon that says "thanks for caring". What has gone wrong?

I did have some self doubt this week. I really was wondering if spewing sarcastic banter was really what I should continue to do. I was on the brink of putting myself under house arrest and only say poignant verbage. Ok, I looked up poignant to make sure I spelled it right and I did. ......Anyway, my friends on Facebook (A.K.A. "the place where I relive my youth) have pulled me out of the smoldering ashes and said they Love ME for my wicked twist and sarcastic nature. As the tears flowed down my face I realized that I do have a talent and that I have used the word "I" way too many times in one sentence. Thank you friends for helping me out of that absolute non-writing hole that I was in. I had sarcastic writer's block and that is worst than a skin rash in your inner ear. Life is back to normal now and I can stop openly racking on stupid stuff in front of random people....... Now, I get to have the pleasure of housing them in my exo-Skeleton all day until I get home and release them via these pages.

I have learned this week the true lesson in life that my parent's always said: A leopard does not change it's spots. I know now that I am sadled with this ability of finding humor in all the stupid little things that bother only a few. It is like my friend Diana that hates Al Michaels because he has no upper lip. Kudos to finding something that you can make fun of and hate. It is awe inspiring to know that you could win a "BURN" contest because you can pick out the biggest flaw in everyone and everything. Did I mention this guy I knew that has a head so large it has a gravitational field? He was in a car in front of me one day and literally I now know what the "Death Star" looked like. His cranium was off the shelf and I really do not know or understand how he can stand erect. I mean seriously, this thing had a zip code attached to it and if it was land mass it would be equal to any island off the coast of Miami. You can't make this stuff up....you have to live it. I am so wound up now I will not be able to sleep.....I am BACK BABY!!!!

Ok, I am done......for now.......let me know if 2010 Rant is back on track....

In a recent trip to Vegas I was excited to eat some good food and experience some fantastic Dessert. As many of you know, I take Dessert Serious....Yes, I have been known to compare Kit Kats verus the Big Kat and explained in epic detail why I hate the Kit Kat but love the Big Kat. It is simple people....it is about Chocolate to Wafer Ratio and the Big Kat has the ratio right....This is the set up for my rant about the idiotic Red Velvet Cake served at a famous Steak House in Las Vegas...

 Ok, here it goes...I ask the server what is your best dessert. She says I do not like dessert. This should have BEEN my first clue but when she said the Red Velvet Cake my eyes lit up. After 4 minutes of explaining that my mom made the best Red Velvet Cake on earth and that if this thing sucks I am going to flip out....I kid but seriously...It really sends me into anger to be served a $12 piece of Cake that makes me barf.

Well, after convincing me that this dessert is the bomb (thanks Greg for the 1980 power statement) I ordered it. This friggin thing comes out with CHOCOLATE PUDDING ON THE BOTTOM and Red Velvet Cake pieces broken over it. I was WAITING FOR BILL COSBY TO SHOW UP and say hay hay hay do you wanna PUDDING POP..... Pudding...are you freaking nuts have you lost your MIND? You don't ever and I mean EVER serve pudding with Red Velvet Cake. I am so angry thinking about this montrosity that I can barely type....

So....after going off the person that was having supper with me fully agreed that the dessert sucked....this only helps CONFIRM what I already know but it is nice to have an agreement before you go off.......

>>.the waitress shows up.....HEY how was the dessert? Well, I really do not like to complain at a restaurant unless they insult my entire family but in this case I explained how serving crap like this was like slapping me and my family in the face....I said where is the FROSTING and the RED VELVET CAKE? I suggested she never serve this to any patron and that anybody that thought this was good should be checked out at the local mental institution.....then it was at that moment that I realized she said SHE LIKED THIS DESSERT......Check PLEASE>>>